Miss Sweet Surrender

marikeet:

You can ask me anything and I’ll answer honestly, but only with yes and no

(via nudityandnerdery)

A few months, hell, maybe even a year, is long enough to figure out if you are in love with somebody.  NOT 6 YEARS!!!!  I am so angry right now!  The more I think about it, I feel cheated and humiliated.  Had I known that I was the only one who was in love this entire time, I would’ve left a long time ago!  I deserve to have that feeling reciprocated…I deserve a man who is in love with me the same way I am in love with him…WHEN I am in love with him and vice versa!  What pisses me off even more is that he is the only dad that Aradia has known since the age of 2!  So now, I’m going to be the bad guy when she comes home this Fall from being away all summer long and discovers that Michael is no longer here.  Not him…because I’m not going to talk shit about him to her because that is wrong…so she will ultimately blame me for making her daddy go away.  So why do I have to be the victim yet again?  Why do I have to be on the losing side again?  Oh and the kicker is that he already has a date lined up for his next show in June…when I am supposed to be in Cali for Ink & Iron.  Oh well.  Guess I’ll have me a date too….THE MISFITS.  Fuck him.

This past weekend has been a hell of a rollercoaster ride for me.  It actually all started back last fall, but I didn’t really know it until recently, as the information only recently came to light.  Last fall, as most of you know, I was busy planning my wedding.  It took me nearly 6  years, but I had finally wore  him down into marrying me…big mistake number 1.  But I’ll get to that momentarily.  Anywho, apparently, during this time, he had been unfaithful to me a few times, unbeknownst to me at the time.  One time, I had actually been here at home, sitting here, watching television or whatever, and he lied to me and told me he was going out to a friend’s house to hang.  No warning signs were there as well, so I had no idea that he, in fact, had gone to see a girl and hook up with her, after which coming home to me.  The second time, he had met a girl online who he “felt a connection with”.  Well, that incident came out in the open last November when he got all jealous because of my bff and I making friends with the Misfits and their road crew and being invited to their shows on their American leg of the Devil’s Rain tour this past year.  As if admitting to me that he suddenly “fell deeply in love with me even more” and “put his feelings aside for the other girl” would make me confess to him that his suspicions of my supposed infidelity with the lead singer of the Misfits, or even their lighting designer were really, in fact, happening all along (which, mind you, they were NOT…not EVER).  We overcame that road block I thought and moved past it.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago….Michael and I had agreed to an open relationship when it came to females….provided that we both were COMPLETELY honest with each other, didn’t sneak around, didn’t lie, and no romantic or intimate feelings were involved…we were to LOVE only each other.  We had come so far in our relationship with each other that it actually brought us closer together.  For awhile, nothing happened…then, when he became the lead singer for another metal band again, all sorts of women started throwing themselves at him, and he was completely honest with me, showing me their texts, emails, pics, convos, etc.  One in particular, Pearl, was very attractive, and I actually kinda had a crush on…and encouraged him to pursue it to find out if she would be interested…sure enough, she was open to the idea but a little shy.  No big deal.  End of discussion.  Well, one day, I came home and while I’m not a snooper, something told me to look in his phone at his texts…and what I found utterly broke my heart.  The girl, Renee, whom he had said a few months prior that he “felt a connection with”, the girl whom he said he had nothing to do with anymore, well, they  had been texting…and it wasn’t all sexual in nature…it was very intimate, with him calling her his “Darling Renee” and the 2 of them planning on meeting up while I was out of town at my parents’ house one weekend.  So we had a huge fight and it ended with him telling me, “You know, it took me a little while to fall in love with you, but when I did, I fell hard and so deeply in love with you.” So I asked  him, “When DID you, exactly, fall in love with me…out of curiosity.” To which he replied, “November.”  Guess what…we were to have been married in October.  November is when he “confessed” to me about Renee.  We had been together going on 7 years by that point and he JUST THEN fell in love with me?!?!  His word cut me to the bone and I haven’t been the same since.

I went to Orlando a few weeks later to clear my head, get a change of scenery, and hang with some friends whom I haven’t seen in a few months.  I had the best time until I came home.  I sank into a sort of depression because I didn’t want to be here, dealing with my drama that he had caused.  It hurt to badly.  But at least I still felt something.  Until recently.  Again, I’m not a snooper…but again, my gut feeling told me to look in his phone again and when I did, I was disgusted again.  The girl, Pearl, whom he pursued…whom he had slept with (yeah, I forgot to mention…they hooked up, but I was totally okay with it because when he did, we had an agreement of the whole open relationship thing…and come to find out, she was also attracted to me, so I was totally fine with it..plus, he was completely honest with me about it and didn’t lie to me about it…told me beforehand and everything and I was all for him hooking up with her…don’t judge me…), well they had been texting.  At first, it was nothing major.  But as I read further, I saw where he had said, “I’m thinking about telling her about our first hook up”…WHAT?!?!  I only knew of the one.  So I asked  him, “When did you hook up with her the first time?” He replied, “Last year.”….YEP.  That’s right.  BEFORE we had an agreement.  And guess what?  He hooked up with her one night when we were both here at the house and he LIED to me and told me he was going to his friend’s house to hang, yet he, in fact, drove about an hour away to hook up with her. 

Now, instead of being angry or hurt or saddened or betrayed, guess what?  I felt absolutely NOTHING.  I looked at him and shrugged it off and he thought I was cool with it.  I kept my poker face on for a few days, until I could no longer take the pretending anymore, and this past weekend, I told him that we needed a break.  I told him that I can’t do this anymore, and that I no longer was in love with him.  In fact, that in love feeling left me when he told me that he hadn’t been in love with me until this past November, after being together for going on 7 years.  It hurts so much…not that we’re breaking up…but that he’s hurting.  I know that it sounds really sick considering the hell he’s put me through.  But that’s the kind of person I am…I care  more for others’ feelings than I do my own sometimes.  And while I’m not IN LOVE with him anymore, I still very much love him.  This totally sucks.